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Tournament Leaderboard AsG Top 10

  There has been 32 successful Åsgard tournaments since 04/09/05

  position / participated in / won / runner-up in

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Populous Reincarnated
Top 1000 League Table
AsG Top 10

  AsG position / Pop:Re position / points / daily average

  1. Sub Zero (#3/2338/1.58)
  2. Hundredth (#4/1916/1.47)
  3. Radiance (#5/1873/1.38)
  4. Shakkazulu (#6/1842/2.10)
  5. Legions (#10/1689/1.96)
  6. Rageons (#12/1641/2.23)
  7. MentiX (#15/1463/0.99)
  8. NanoSaurus (#16/1463/1.29)
  9. Sunny (#26/1232/1.63)
  10. Snak (#32/1158/1.25)
ELO Experiment AsG Top 10

  AsG position / ELO position / rating / reports

  1. Sub Zero (#1/1664/85)
  2. DAroo (#8/1481/292)
  3. Legions (#9/1480/218)
  4. Staszek (#12/1444/143)
  5. Radiance (#13/1426/113)
  6. Rageons (#15/1404/123)
  7. Hundredth (#18/1386/118)
  8. MentiX (#28/1325/39)
  9. Drummerdude48 (#36/1280/226)
  10. Snak (#45/1232/48)

  Sub Zero currently holds the 2nd place former record for 'highest all time ELO' with a rating of 1624

ELO Experiment Clan League

  Åsgard is currently 1st, with an average ELO rating of 1284, and a 92.9 average reports per player.

Populous Reincarnated Clan Leagues

  Most points ever in a month was 791 in December 2006.

  Åsgard has claimed 1st place in the clan leagues 5 times, 3 2nd places and 53rd places in 18 months of recorded stats.

Stats and Info
  - We have 28 registered users
  - Members - Vanir: 25
    Recruits - Valkyrie: 3
  - Our users have posted a total of 51190 articles since 05/08/05
  - Most users ever online (forums) was 16 on 19/06/07
  - Most users ever online (matchmaker) was 14 on 12/11/06:
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# Total Incoherent Bullshit

Author: Hundredth Created: 09 September 2008 Edited: 24 October 2008, 18:32 by DAroo

'Total Incoherent Bullshit' - An AsG Story

No rules, absolute havoc, fine reading. By Hundredth, Sub, MentiX, homeboy, Boyd, BlackWe, Cakes, AdamDM and PhiL.

A cat sat on a mat and got eaten by a Firewarrior. "Burp" said the firewarrior. "Ow" said the cat. "Who the fuck has fireballs on their hands?"
"Me" said the monkey. "Would you like some nuts?" Seeing as the cat couldn't answer after being eaten the monkey felt a bit silly. He ran into the forest to buy some weed, then Tarzan came into the forest and raped him. Tarzan said "KLKaa!" and jumped into the water. Then Monkey got some mana and accidentally casted volcano. Poor Tarzan got lava up his arse and died of pain. The monkey which by this time was in a severe state of shock decided to go see his friend, Homeboy.

"What up dogggg" said Homeboy. The Monkey replied: "Dont touch my penis you sick pervert!" because Homeboy needed the penis to practice magic on dogs. But he couldnt see any dogs so he took a sheep instead. But the sheep was dead so he saw MentiX and thought he was a girl so left him. MentiX said "Hey you junkie poo!" But homeboy had ran away, back to the NYC suburbs. So MentiX was left alone in a desolate jungle with the Monkey. MentiX said "Eh?" Monkey mirrored him, which was annoyingly typical of the Monkey. "Eh?" retorted the Monkey. Mentix found shotgun and killed the Monkey.

Afterwards Shotgun and MentiX went ballrooming dancing. In the ballroom he saw another monkey but he suddenly died for no reason. But after he died, Rhesus_Monkey appeared and said "I'm so ugly that i could suicide." So he did. But then the roof caved in..

"What the 'ell is going on here?" Said Rhesus.
"yo yo yo i thinkz a palm tr33 has fallen on the roof, innit" replied Urban_Chaos_TDM
"What the hell, you sound exactly like an idiot!" said Rhesus
urban_chaos replied with "i am an idiot, but im sure lykk diss innit.. pppl who have suicided cant tlk afterwards innit yo"
Rhesus finished with "This guy is an idiot."

So in the end it did infact turn out that the whole Rhesus-suiciding thing was actually a dream, so this time he made sure that he was dead and jumped from a cliff. He landed in the water and saw a duck. But the duck was actually a parrot, but Rhesus was too high to note otherwise. But then Rhesus drowned. Since then all monkeys were dead and no more monkeys came on mm.

Meanwhile, BlackWe was swimming in the same river, and swam by in his rather good breast-stroke and saw Rhesus's dead body. He used Rhesus as boat and swam down the river. Rhesus made a good raft, as he was a big fat 19 year old college dropout who was full of marijuana smoke so he floated well. But BlackWe forgot Rhesus' mouth was open so the body got full of water. BlackWe - riding his custom-built Rhesus_Monkey float - began to sink when suddenly he was masturbating with his imaginary rabbit friend. And then the rabbit summoned mentix in the river and wanted to play with him but then BlackWe made mentix eat the rabbit and both died. LOL only joking, MentiX didn't die, he only got sick. (Well actually he does die, but that's later in this story...) "Lolz" said BlackWe. "You'll always be the funny one".

So MentiX, the masturbating rabbit and BlackWe all went to the house of warg, which was a church. Once inside, Mentix, BlackWe and the rabbit sat down. The Rabbit opened up his back-pack and to MentiX and BlackWe's amazement, they saw two swimming bears...

"Hello" said the bear on the left. "Were here to worship the mighty King_Warg, and praise his new MM in the making."

"What are you here for?"

Mentix, BlackWe and the masturbating rabbit all replied: "we're here to kill bears!" Then godlike BlackWe blasted one of the bears but the bear had PWNED him before.

Then King Warg came in - wearing a darth vader suit saying: "Hail vader! Hail vader!" Then he farted. "oops!" said Warg. Then Yoda came in and tried to kill Warg, but Obi Wan Kenobi came and saved him.

The next day, the Championsip of the Shittest Names began. Obi Wan Kenobi - the jedi knight - won first prize - a gold medal and a box of belgian chocolates. Resident UK Chav Urban_shitface came second and won a silver medal and a mars bar. Omgsell got a bronze medal, and our favourite 12 year old Night Killer got some flowers.

Then BlackWe recieved a phonecall from a living sack of shit. The living sack of shit was called Fred. He told BlackWe that he forgot his condom in the office. So BlackWe asked MentiX to buy him a new one. "I'm not going anywhere d00d." said the snowman, who was brown. So mentix was forced to go buy a new condom for BlackWe. He bought one that was flavoured, it was banana and too small for BlackWe.

MentiX said: "Hey u junkie poo, with that giant willy it's a shame your never gonna get to use it".

BlackWe replied: "I'll use it because my willy gets smaller and smaller every day."

"Oh okay," said MentiX. "This is getting too pornographic so lets go for a walk in the park." BlackWe and MentiX left the masturbating rabbit to have fun with the two swimming bears in Blackwe's bag and set off to the park but then got hit by a speeding truck! BlackWe and MentiX were rushed to the nearest hospital, and MentiX had to have an operation on his penis but the doctor at the hospital said it was too pornographic to operate, so they went back to the park to see the park ranger who was also a part-time surgeon. So he performed the vital operation on MentiX's wang.. and then he turned out just fine.

After the quiet day at the park they went to Urban_Chaos's house. But he wasn't in so they went to the shop instead. Mentix and BlackWe both bought a small condom for Blackwe and a dildo for Nano.

Urban met BlackWe and Mentix on the way back from the shops. "Y0 teh doodz" said Urban, which was abruptly followed by an Asthma attack. Urban died. Then MentiX and BlackWe laughed until BlackWe fell asleep so MentiX cuddled right up behind him and they had a blissful snooze by the open fire. MentiX had a strange dream...

MentiX dreamt that he saw BlackWe naked... but infact it was BlackWe's evil twin brother who was called WhiteWe. He didn't look like BlackWe, he looked more like an orange duck.

But then MentiX suddenly awoke! But he realised that his dream was reality, and that BlackWe's evil twin brother - WhiteWe the orange duck - was stood right infront of him with three tickets to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory! But when BlackWe tried to take the tickets, WhiteWe said:

"No! First you need to give me a big hug, i missed you!" So BlackWe gave WhiteWe a big hug, and then they all set off to the Chocolate Factory, MentiX came too. But MentiX was jealous of WhiteWe and he secretly planned to lock him in a cupboard whilst he asked BlackWe to marry him, but WhiteWe (BlackWe's evil twin brother the orange duck) got all his mighty powers together and took all of MentiX's cupboards away so he no longer had any cupboards to lock WhiteWe in.

So MentiX ran away so fast as he could no longer feel his legs. He looked down, and he saw the ground. It was beginning to get dark, and MentiX became very very scared of the ground. But he fell asleep, and then dreamt about hot dogs, which were left on the ground. MentiX was awoken by the sound of the ground. The ground was being very noisy, as he was overground a sewer. Inside the sewer there was a Hundredth_Reason, who smelled really bad and looked really bad and had a bouncy castle.

"Can i have a go on your bouncy castle?" said MentiX.

"NO!" said Hundredth but MentiX went on it anyway. He jumped so high that he got kidnapped by an eagle, who took him back to his nest and taught him how to cook - Thai style!

"MMMMMM" said BlackWe when he got home, that smells GOOD!"

"I know" said MentiX, hoping that he could win BlackWe's heart with his new recipes. But BlackWe said "let's go to a resteruant, this food smells too good.

Later, the Priest said "Hello, welcome to my resteraunt. Here you will find a wide variety of HEALTHY christian food.. such as um, bread,, and um, red wine, and um more bread and more wine"

"Wahey!!" said BlackWe. He liked wine. But their pig wanted coke so they had to go. But then MentiX changed his mind. He said "WHAT THE HELL. FROM NOW ON IM GONNA STOP INTRODUCING RANDOM CHARACTERS AND STICK WITH THE ONES WE'VE GOT" so they went back into the resteraunt.. and the pig disappeared.

"Well, normal stories are boring" argued BlackWe.

"Well, how about we try using different scenarios and language to spice this one up ey? Rather than inventing new characters every other paragraph- i mean it makes me look a bit schizophrenic!" said MentiX.

"okay" said BlackWe.

The priest came to their table and asked them what they would like to order.

"Fish n chips and a hamburger plus some ice cream thanks."

When the food came BlackWe said: "MMMMMMMMMMMM" this smells a hundred times better than Mentix's food. Then the priest stripped for Mentix and Blackwe... it was a rather unnerving sight, so MentiX and BlackWe left to go find WhiteWe.

Soon enough, they found him.

"I'm bored of WhiteWe" said BlackWe.

WhiteWe was very offended. MentiX was happy. MentiX was so happy that he pointed at a balloon in the sky. On it - in a big size font - there was written 'Melons for sale!'

The man in the balloon was the cat who sat on a mat, drinking a vat of beer. He had reincarnated as a result of the monkey's mana at the start of our story, [after being eaten by the firewarrior] and was now planning to take over as Supreme Ruler of the World. But there were other candidates for this - such as King Warg, TheGrabber, Koen and Billy's mum. Most of the candidates died, and only Koen was left. But before they died, TheGrabber made sure to ban Koen from the POP:RE matchmaker. But not long after, Koen was unbanned. The Reason? BLACK SHOES. But Koen didn't even need the stinkey Pop:RE MM anymore, for he had just unleashed the might Pop:Res MM!

TheGrabber was so shocked at the success of Koen's Matchmaker that he bought some yellow shoes and a sludge hammer; and then danced all the way out of Holland to a nearby [ish] Germany, where he found Terato, Alkaline and PhiL. They were watching a movie about Hitler's daughter, yet none of them were masturbating. This was due to the fact that TeratO didn't like german porn, as he only got turned on by MentiX's hair, and buy-one-get-one free candyfloss which tasted like candyfloss.

TeratO then produced some candyfloss which tasted like candyfloss and threw it at PhiL's cat, which was too fat to run. To solve it's immobility, it ate some beans and farted it's way to Hundredth's house. Upon the cat's arrival, Hundredth leaped for joy and said "Oh GOODY !!!!". Then a girl appeared, Biff was her name. "She" had a large moustache and very large biceps.

Biff then spoke in her hi-.. I mean her deep, low voice "Wanna have some fun?".

"I'm a man!!" Hundredth replied. He then gave Biff a very camp slap around his/her face, so he/she pulled her trousers down and said "suck it, bitch".

But Hundredth declined, and replied with "i'm going to go to the faraway land of "nevergoingtoappearinthisstoryagain" now, so bye bye."

Meanwhile, MentiX and BlackWe were out searching for Hundredth when they came across a big yellow banana called Dave, which was actually Hundredth in disguise, but nobody knew this yet.

The big yellow banana called Dave then did a massive bag of weed, which left him stoned for about 25 years. Dave, his dealer said "you better pay me back all the money you owe me biatch, else i'll rip your belly hair off, aight?". (Total coincidence both customer and dealer shared the same name.)

Meanwhile, MentiX was climbing a mountain. At the top of the moutain MentiX began to wonder. "Eh? What's that?" He thought, because he had just seen a FireWarrior chopping a tree.

The Firewarrior greeted MentiX with "Hi dude, want some wood?" to which MentiX replied:

"Yeah gimme ya shit man", So the firewarrior threw a log of wood at MentiX. It hit him on the head and knocked him off the mountain! But MentiX grabbed a palm, brought a coconut and climbed up again. But alas, the firewarrior blasted him back down again and finished the job.

r0fflca3k saw MentiX's mangled burning body at the bottom of the mountain and thought "WTF just happened?" just as the mental Firewarrior started throwing trees at him the way those Scottish people do with the log chuck thingy. But MentiX had used ghost army on himself so the logs began to hit a fake MentiX. Upon hearing the news, AdamDM went off looking for the real MentiX. He killed every MentiX to find the real one, the first three were ghosts. Suddenly he was hit by lightening.

However, AdamDM was reincarnated and went to cast volcano on MentiX's village. The volcano didn't do any damage because MentiX froze t3h dam volc with his l33t sk33lz (BUG ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!"E£$%^&*(O)

After a long fight, nobody won so they became friends went off to find Hundredth. On their way they met

thus creating a war. However, MentiX and AdamDM lighteninged them and continued their walk, thus turning the world into a pancake.

God ate the earth pancake. "Burp" he said, causing the universe to shake. But then the earth sort of popped and crashed into the sun. God realised he'd eaten Earth. "SHIT" he said, because his mouth was on fire.

PhiL was another god that died in a snowstorm in the year 1275, but managed to make the earth reappear with his ub3r l33t skillz, and some help from his trusty sidekick, the fat cat called Garfield. Then they both died.

Meanwhile, a huge mobile toilet came strolling by. AdamDM peered inside the toilet and found SUB ZERO!, but wondered why he was looking down a huge mobile toilet. Sub was having fun wading around in loads of shit looking for his wand, but he looked lonely so AdamDM threw r0fflca3k in too to keep him company. (then teleported away never to be mentioned in this story again)

"HI!" said r0fflca3k.

"Have you seen Mette?" replied Sub Zero.

"Yeah, she's at the bus stop" replied r0fflca3k. "Wanna go get a burger?"

"No, haven't got the time"

"Um okay" said r0fflca3k, and he was left alone as Sub ran as fast has he could to get to Mette before the bus did.

So cakes was alone, walking down the road when he was approached by another fooking mobile toilet! The mobile toilet stopped in the middle of the road and launched a suicide bomber at Sub, and somehow the rabbit ate the kangaroo because Boyd's post got deleted. The kangaroo told Boyd a story:

"When you make a post at the same time as someone else in this thread, it causes a paradox which makes the story FUX UP, so one of them has to be deleted."

"And seen as i'm a Mod, it's not gonna be mine ey Boydie?" Said Hundredth, after popping out of the kangaroo's pouch.

"That's not very fair" said Boyd. The Kangaroo changed Boyd's mind by kicking him in the head. "That seems very fair!" said Boyd. Suddenly, a bomb appeared on his head. "Look how dangerous this is" said Boyd, and started to wave it around until eventually it exploded. Some random fat guy who was watching said "duuuude" and then everyone from the hit ABC TV Series "LOST" just kinda walked way randomly.

Meanwhile, AdamDM's mother called him in for tea, and told him that he couldn't take part in the rest of this story.

rofflca3k was out climbing a tree when suddenly his mum gave him fifty quid. He decided to go to a brothel, but on they way he fell through a portal to another dimension! In this dimension, everyone was in 2D, and firewarriors could cut down trees! Cakes walked around looking at the odd people fighting and casting spells, and thought to himself - 'i wonder how the men in those houses produce other men all alone.' He pondered on this thought for a while and then dodged a large group of hornets.

Then, an amazingly skilled shaman ran past, fighting off an army with her bare hands, killing another shaman in a duel, and pointing her wand at the ground where a large section of earth exploded upwards in a mass of burning lava which continued to speed to the side of the village, burning houses and villagers as it went. This shaman was called Thousandth.

Then the noob he was bashing ran out of ghosts to fight him with, complained and then quit because of noob bashing. So Thousandth owned the noob's ally and quit the game. In doing so, he landed himself inthe matchmaker!He saw TheGabber banning teh shite tiger for calling --ButtStabb-- a "poohead". Gabber then banned himself out of stupidity..

Once he finally managed to unban himself, Gabber went on a banning frenzy and banned everyone in POP:RE, even ALACN.

Only Snak was left!

"Snak! Time for school honey!" Snak's mother shouted from downstairs. Snak awoke with a surprise, nothing had been real! Everything! Rhesus dying, the big yellow banana called Dave, Biff the shemale, the multiple walking portable toilets, the championship of the worst names -

it was all a

...BIG

...RUBBER..

...DREAM!

THE END